How to Become a Phantom in Less than 10 Minutes
by Gab-OG
Summary: When Raoul receives a DVD in the mail, he jumps to the opportunity that would change his life: becoming a Phantom. It's a shame he's not too lucky. Slight 2004 movie bashing, parody.
1. Chapter 1: A Daroga and A Ghost

**How to Become a Phantom in Less than 10 Minutes**

_A Phantom of the Opera Parody_

"Get the mail."

Raoul groaned, he hated living by Christine's every order! Ever since she tripped on that wretched ice cube and fell down two steps, it was Raoul this, and Raoul that.

So without a mumble of protest, Raoul headed for the door to retrieve the mail. It was stacked up even higher than yesterday, Raoul noted to himself. He sat down in the nearest chair and began to skim through the mail.

"Bill, bill… junk," He skimmed and soon found something which puzzled him, "MUFFIN TOP?"

"Yes dearest?" Christine rolled her eyes at Raoul's abrupt shouting. "Do you know an 'Erik Destler'? We seemed to have gotten one of his water bills…"

"Not the slightest clue, dearest." Christine shoved another spoon of strawberry ice cream into her mouth. "At least it's not that Rossum chick again." She quivered.

Raoul continued skimming through the mail when he came to a package. "OH MAN! I hope it's the new Rachael Ray video!" He eagerly began tearing at the brown paper holding the package together.

How to become a Phantom in Less than 10 minutes…  
Starring your happy floating, see through and blue friend, Joseph Buquet!

"What the hell?" Raoul's eyes widened examining the tape. "PUMPKIN!"

Christine slapped her forehead, midway in signing her own ankle cast. Shouting again? She sighed. What happened to the cutie Raoul she married two months ago? "What now, Raoul?"

"I'm going upstairs for a while…"

"Another Rachael Ray marathon? Is she going to cook those tacos again?"

"No…"

"Oh. Well have fun."

Raoul smiled to himself. Maybe with this little 'Phantom' video, he could get the beautiful, less-whiney Christine back to him. He hurried up the stairs, skipping along the way. When reaching the guest room, he sat on his favorite squishy sofa he got as a wedding gift from Andre and Firmin, or Richard and Moncharmin… whatever the hell they preferred to be called.

He opened the DVD box easily, being that the edges weren't sealed with those sticky thief-proof things like they are on the POTO 2 Disk Widescreen Edition. Which, in fact, Raoul gave up opening in the process.

Christine was pissed.

Raoul put the DVD into the player, and pressed Play Movie on the screen. It went black and then to a shot of one of his favorite childhood Christmas puppet characters.

"Oh Santa, I knew I could lead your sleigh in no time!" Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer said.

Santa replied, "I'm going to go bury myself in a deep fryer --"

The screen fizzed up and then went to a shot of a cardboard piece, written on with purple crayon: How to become a Phantom in 10 Minutes, Produced by Joseph Buquet and Nadir Khan. The piece of carboard was flipped over. A BK production.

Raoul clapped his hands together in glee. "Burger King!"

The screen went black for less than a second and then to a shot of a blue, see through man who Raoul clearly noted as the man on the box. Oh, and he was the dude that the Phantom hung during Il Muto.

"Hello, my name is Joseph Buquet and I'm not dead!" An automated clapping sound came from behind the man, echoing throughout Christine's old dressing room. After the clapping faded out, a "YEAH RIGHT" was heard from another corner and Buquet groaned, changing the subject. "Please, call me B-Quet."

"Now, I bet you are all here to become a Phantom."

"YES I AM!" Raoul shouted back at the TV, clutching onto the DVD box.

"That is something I can do for you! This will be your first step on your way to Phantomy-Goodness! We will first begin our journey tracking down a real Phantom, and then we will use our knowledge from him to spread onto you. I call it, the Phenut Butler Effect."

"What's the Butler for?" Nadir asked, shaking the camera he was holding. "That wasn't in the script!"

"I don't know, it just sounds hot."

"I prefer the Crawford."

Buquet pulled his collar with one ghostly finger and cleared his throat. "Cut."


	2. Chapter 2: March of the Phantom Hunters

**_How to Become a Phantom in Less than 10 Minutes_**

_Chapter 2_

"RAOUL!"

The Viscount dropped the remote so fast it nearly set fire in the process of falling. He gulped, shoving the DVD box under his pillow. Somewhere far, far away, the Tooth Fairy shook her head.

"Hello Sugar Cube." Raoul stumbled on his words as he spoke through a smiling face. Christine was oblivious to the look on Raoul's face. "Sugar cube?" She asked, tilting her head. "I'm no Christinebob Daaepants!" Raoul pretended to laugh.

"What are you doing up here all alone anyway?"

"Just watching TV." Raoul began to skim through the channels fast. "I'm watching this one."

"HOLY REYER! IS THAT MEG?" Both Christine and Raoul reached for the remote and to Raoul's disappointment, his DVD video came back on.

"And we are back with 'How to Become a Phantom in less than ten minutes'. As you can see, I am searching the catacombs of the Opera Garnier, or the Paris Opera house, or the Opera Populare, or the Phantom's Crib, whatever the hell it prefers to be called." Buquet explained. "We are now going to find M. Phantom himself, and get him on this very tape! Children, Wannabe Phantoms, Managers and Viscounts, please DO NOT try this at home!"

Of course, this was for legal purposes. The only reason why 'B-Quet' was chosen for the job because he's as dead as a doornail.

And at that time, Christine decided she wanted to try it because she wasn't listed in one of the categories. Hah.

"It's very dark down here. But not to a Phantom! Each Phantom is born with a Super-Dee-Duper Nightvision Accessory!"

And Nadir groaned.

"We have to watch our step, because anything can pop out at us at this VERY moment! Such as wax Christine's or the cast of Rent!" Buquet floated into a wall, but the poor Daroga cracked the lens of the camera trying to do the same, realizing he wasn't a ghost.

"OH SH—"

The scene changed with Nadir sitting on the floor, the camera facing him. And it did not have a cracked lens. "Hi… because I can't walk through walls, I'm kinda sitting here… by myself… it's dark… OH! I hear Buquet!"

"Hello Mr. Phantom… you look angry. Why are you angry? Um… I have a coupon from McDonalds and a shot on TV… why are you waving that lasso at me, Mr. Phantom?"

Poor, unhappy Erik was trying to get the Punjab lasso around Buquet's neck, but sadly, it went right through him.

"WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" Erik boomed, this with Nadir dropping the camera into the green water or the rats, he couldn't tell.

"We're back again." Buquet announced, now back in one of the underground stairways. "Let's see if we can find Mr. Phantom again, maybe he'll be a little nicer this time."

Buquet gestured for the camera to follow him down the hallway.

"Nadir, where did you find those stockings?"

"Stockings?" Nadir asked innocently. "I'm not wearing any stockings!" He tossed Christine's missing stockings behind him, hitting Erik in the face. He threw them on the floor with a look of disgust.

"Oh! There's the Phan-Man!" Buquet giggled. "You should see how handsome you look in those pants!"

Erik clenched his fists, "Sarcasm and I are a deadly combination. And if you weren't a ghost, I'd have you killed."

Nadir cleared his throat, "Erm, Erik? You already killed him."

Buquet laughed. "No, I'm alive. Really."

Nadir and Erik exchanged a glance. "I've warned you once already. Get OUT of my lair!"

"But we need you for a documentary! How to become a Phantom in less than 10 minutes!" Buquet pleaded, pointing to the camera. Erik walked over to it and examined it, clearly confused. "Goodbye."

Erik's fist was the last thing seen before the screen went black.


	3. Chapter 3: Picking up the Pieces

**How to Become a Phantom in Less than 10 Minutes**

_Chapter 3_

Raoul looked to Christine with shrugged shoulders, but her reaction wasn't quite as he suspected. "So THAT'S where my stockings went! They were my Daddy stockings! He purchased them for me on the night he told me he'd send me an angel of jazz!"

"Jazz wasn't invented for another 40 or so years, darling." Raoul informed, lightly patting Christine's leg.

"Stop! You're making me feel stupid! I'm not stupid!" Christine pouted.

All the crickets in the world took this as a grand opportunity to chirp.

"Let's just watch the rest of the tape, shall we?" Raoul skipped to the next scene.

* * *

"Alo." Said Madame Giry. "Dis is my tape for Extreme Makover, zee home edition. Az you can zee, ziz apra house neez a makeover. Zee bathroom toiletz zare very clogged thanks to-a Piangi and –" 

The camera fizzed again and there was Buquet, standing in a tree house high above the ground. The paint was chipping on the walls, but Raoul and Christine had to admit that the naked statue of Andrew Lloyd Webber added touch.

"Welcome to the Opera Populare tree house. We planted it on top of this nice, nice horsey figure all the way at the top of the Opera House. Thanks to Carlotta and her skill of balancing things," The camera got a shot of Carlotta 'balancing' the Il Muto hat on her head. "It will hold up just fine." Buquet explained. "Now, onto the point."

"We will go over OUR skills learned today. Number One: To be a Phantom, you have to be REALLY whiney. This is a GREAT way to annoy your spouse and at the same time be a sexy Phantom! Number Two: You have to have skills with your very own Punjab lasso! This will require a tad bit of exercising. Now, audience, stand up!"

* * *

Raoul stood up and Christine watched, wondering how this would turn out. 

"Take your complementary Punjab lasso in hand," Buquet ordered through the television.

"HOLD IT!" Raoul paused the TV just as a spray of spit from Buquet's mouth was about to shower the camera and the poor Daroga behind it. "I didn't get a complementary Punjab lasso!"

"Well, make one yourself." Christine tied the bed sheets together in the form of a rope and handed it to Raoul. "Punjab lassos are not supposed to have flowers on them." Raoul pouted, stomping his foot and taking the 'lasso' from her hand.

"At least you got the whiney part down."

"What did you say, Christine?"

"Nothing!"

* * *

"Now take your lasso, and make a little circle with it in the air! There, you've got it!" Buquet said to his 'audience.' "Now swing it behind you and catch your victim!" 

Raoul let go of the lasso by accident, and in seconds it tangled with a play-doh Christine figure. It dropped to the floor and shattered into little play-doh pieces.

"RAOUL! You killed me!" Christine ran over to the remains of her little play-doh self.

"Well, she wasn't so pretty in the first place…"

Christine snarled like a dying frog and walked out of the room, nose in air.

* * *

"I'm sure that went well..." Buquet mused, looking to Nadir who was squirming on the floor below him, tangled in string. He ran for the camera shouting, "No Darogas were hurt in the creation of this film!" 


	4. Chapter 4: The King and I

**How to Become a Phantom in Less Than 10 Minutes**

_Chapter 4_

"Fine!" Raoul called after her. "I guess I'll watch the video ALL BY MY SELF! Don't be knockin' on my door when look like the INFAMOUS Gerard Butler!" Raoul pressed a button under the bed, resulting the wall to turn around and expose Raoul's "Gerry Shrine".

"Who?"

* * *

Buquet stopped short in playing with his magic markers when he noticed the camera was turned on. "Oh… hello… eh…"

Much to Buquet's luck, a thin envelope with a skull stamped on it fell in front of his face. He smiled, "Oh! It's a letter from the…"

He looked at Nadir.

"Where are the chorus girls!" He spat through his teeth. "Where!"

Nadir cleared his throat and sang in a high pitched voice, "OP-RUH GHOSTTTT!"

Buquet opened the letter and read aloud:

_DAAR DAROGA AND SE THROUGH ONE_

_MET ME IN MAH LARE IMEDIATLY IF U WANT 2 SE A R3AL PHAN2M DONG AL HIS PHAN2MY THNGS!111 OMG_

_GOD DAY_

_-111111 WTF LOL OH GEE_

"Let's go!" Buquet ran down the stairs and the camera faded out with the James Bond theme playing in the background.

Buquet and Nadir finally reached the layer when they saw a figure standing behind the curtain. It stood… and stood… not moving a muscle.

"Hello Phanabanana. Come out from that curtain." Buquet ordered in a friendly manner.

The figure did not move.

"Come on … we're wasting good tape here. And it's better than the camera you broke! This one was 2 francs more!" He muttered.

"See-through Buquet you shall know me. See why in shadow I hide. Come pull the curtain away from me, I am there inside!"

Buquet slowly pried the curtain away, to reveal:

The BK King.

"OH MY GOD NO WONDER WHY HE WEARS A MASK!" Buquet squealed, running for the door.

"BUQUET! It's just a mask!" Nadir screamed, "Another mask!"

"Oh…" Buquet whispered to calm himself, his left eyebrow twitching. "Only another mask…" He giggled like mad and Nadir began to notice that he was going crazy. "What the hell you wearing, Phantom King?"

Oh yes, to be afraid of the BK king and not the Phantom of the Opera. Nadir noted that it was crazy written in capital, neon letters.

"It looks like an overrated rain poncho!"

The 'BK king' was pissed. He ran over to the organ and began to play the Sesame Street theme in minor.

Buquet latched onto him, trying to pull the mask off by the crown part. He dug his teeth into it and the BK king squealed, running away from this floating menace.

Meanwhile, Erik skipped to the tune of 'singing in the rain' while licking a chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream cone, walking into his lair. "I'm sinnngggg-in in the rain, just sin –"

He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Nadir hiding under a blanket in tears, the BK king picking a splinter out of his foot and Buquet rolling on the floor.

Buquet blinked. "Hi Mr. Phantom… you dropped your ice cream back ther – you look mad. That's not – I can explain …"

The first thought in Buquet's mind was: How the hell am I gonna pay for a camera that's 2 francs more than this one?

* * *

_Google the BK king, you'll see why he's so creepy!_


End file.
